


Aftermath

by SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock



Series: Supernatural As Told by Me: If Cas Was Always There [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is hurting, M/M, Sam is hurting, everyone is hurting, hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 12:51:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10899714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock/pseuds/SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock
Summary: After John's death... no one knows how to move forward.





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! So I do apologize to every loyal reader that this took me a month to do. Originally this had the whole hunt in it and I didn't like it so it took some tweaking not to mention the fact that I had a lot going on. Work, am I right? So in this chapter it's gonna skip around a little and it's going to feel a bit rushed in some places but only because I skipped over MUCH of the episode to only give you what was important to the story line-- or my story line, at least.

Castiel stood in Bobby’s house, a cup of coffee in his hands as he looked out the window. He watched as the sun shone bright in the yard, even for how early it was. He knew Dean was out there working on the Impala because… well that was what he’d done every morning since they arrived. 

It had been over a week since they showed up on Bobby’s doorstep, grief and confusion in their hearts– as well as with a new player to their game– and Dean wanting to just… fix the car his father had given to him all those years ago. Dean didn’t have much of his father, that much he knew. But he had that car. 

Readjusting had been hard. Their wasn’t a lot of room for them in the small house. Dean and Cas were spending their nights curled up on the cot in the living room where as Gabriel and Sam were sharing the bedroom upstairs. They switched back and forth on the mattress and the air mattress as Sam had insisted the man take the bed the first night but when he tried to the second, Gabriel wouldn’t have it. 

Not to mention, with John gone… the mystery surrounding his death… it left Dean mostly silent. Except for when he and Gabriel were going back and forth. Both treated Cas like a piece to be had and he’d yelled at both of them for it. It had caused silence between the three of them for nearly twenty-four hours. 

Poor Bobby was just caught in the middle of it all. So he took to teaching Gabriel what he knew. He taught him lore, he showed him how to handle a gun. Sam had hopped in on that as well. Whereas Cas… his main concern at the moment was Dean and what was going through his head. 

_ The three of them watched as the body of John Winchester burned wrapped in the sheet they had chosen. Like Bobby had informed him, it was a hunter’s funeral. It was to ensure no creature could burrow its way into the earth and make a copy if they buried him. Or so that no demon could possess him. No ghost. It was honorable.  _

_ Castiel hadn’t gotten along with the man, he hadn’t even known him all that well or for very long. But he knew him well enough that all of it brought tears to his eyes right alongside the other two. Just because they butted heads did not mean he wished death on the man. He wanted the Winchester boys to have their father. Now that wasn’t an option.  _

_ Castiel had glanced over at the boys, seeing Sam’s face twisted with pain, guilt, sorrow– he noticed he was crying. They weren’t big wet tears, not sobbing. But still… crying. He looked to Dean to see his eyes glassy but he was straightfaced as he stared ahead at the fire. He said nothing as he reached down and took his boyfriend’s hand, only relaxing when Dean didn’t pull away.  _

_ As a tear rolled down his cheek, Sam briefly looked over at Dean, but his eyes found his father again. He was unable to truly look away.  _

_ “Before he–” he started, cutting himself off when his voice wouldn’t come out right. He tried once more but he couldn’t get the words out completely so he skipped ahead. “Did he say anything? To either of you? About anything?” he asked. Dean and Cas were the last ones to see him, after all. _

_ Dean stiffened slightly at that. He and Cas had had time to discuss what they were and weren’t going to tell Sam or Gabriel… or even Bobby for that matter. For some reason or another, it was a secret that John had entrusted to both of them. But telling anyone else… they’d decided that it meant panic. Sam would want to know why he would say those things. Gabriel would want to know more about everything. It was better if they kept their mouths shut.  _

_ “No,” they said together as they looked ahead at the fire. “Nothing,” Dean finished.  _

Castiel sucked in a breath at the recall of memory. He knew everything that was going on… it was a terrific weight on Dean’s shoulders. Everything was piling down on him. His father, even in death, had been the one to drop that weight. His words, his actions– they were all too much for Dean… even when he was saying he was fine. 

The coffee pot buzzed noisily just before Sam came in the house from where he’d gone out to talk to Dean. “Get anything out of him?” he asked, almost knowingly. 

Sam sighed and shook his head. “He agreed to check out the voicemail I told you about. But he didn’t say anything else. Maybe you can try–” he started but Castiel held up a hand. 

“Sam,” he spoke softly. “There’s a reason I’ve not…  _ berated  _ him with questions. I don’t think I have to tell you that Dean is going to talk when he’s ready.” He went over by the coffee pot and retrieved a travel mug, beginning to make it how Dean liked it. “You want him to have this triumphant breakthrough just for him to tell you he’s sad. It’s not going to happen. And every time you ask him, it pushes it back a day. Dean is too proud. And you know it.”

Sam let out a breath, his back hitting the threshold lightly as he let himself take a moment. It wasn’t like he was…  _ okay _ in all this. He was sad, confused, angry– there were so many emotions going through his head that he would have required a thesaurus to name them all. But he knew that his brother was hurting. And while Sam had talked to anyone who would listen… Dean wouldn’t talk to anyone. 

“I know,” he admitted after a moment. “I just…” he trailed off, looking for the right words. “If he bottles it up–”

“Then we deal with whatever the fallout. Whatever the aftermath, we be there for Dean when he’s ready and when he needs it,” he said. “Now, I’m sure he’s not going anywhere for at least another hour. Unless you needed something from me, I’m going to go keep him company,” he offered. 

Sam nodded, not having a reason to stop him. He knew Castiel’s whole… ‘as needed’ mask was just that; a mask. He knew that Castiel was sad that he and Dean had barely gone near each other in over a week. They’d barely spoken except to exchange greetings in the morning, a parting word when going to bed… and then whatever was absolutely necessary during the day. Mostly Dean was out with his car. He knew it was killing Cas. But he also knew that Castiel understood that Dean was going through something traumatic. 

Castiel stepped outside with his own cup and Dean’s travel mug in his hand, smiling softly when he saw Dean under the car, his body only visible from waist down. 

“Wow. Look at that hot mechanic,” he called softly. 

Dean stiffened a little when he heard Castiel’s voice. He rethought over everything Sam had just said to him and he sighed. Because the last person he wanted to snap at right now, was standing next to him. 

“What were you next in line? Bobby gonna come out next if I don’t talk to you?” he asked, though there was no malice. 

“I didn’t come to talk. I brought you coffee,” he noted with a smile even though Dean still couldn’t see him. 

There was a slight pause, the work under the car stopping before Dean rolled out from underneath it, shielding his eyes from the bright sun as he looked up to see Cas standing there with a coffee mug and a travel mug. He licked his lips as he debated. “This isn’t some trick? You’re not here to ask me how I feel?” he asked. 

Castiel chuckled. “Heavens no. I came to caffeinate you and ask if you wanted something to eat too. I was going to make everyone some sandwiches.”

Dean pushed himself up, looking at Cas like he was going to suddenly change his mind. When he finally was up and face to face with that smile, he relaxed and reached for the coffee Cas was offering him. 

At the last moment, Cas pulled it away. “Alright, I lied,” he sad. “I do have an ulterior motive,” he said. 

Dean sucked his teeth and rolled his. “Cas… seriously? Come on, I thought you were the one–”

“Hush,” he muttered as he put the coffee down and pulled a water bottle out of his pocket. “The way you’re sweatin’ out here in the sun, I just want you to hydrate. So you can work and talk to me– or don’t– all you want. But one sip of that… and one sip of this. That’s all I ask. So that you don’t dehydrate.”

Dean blinked as Castiel leaned against the table slightly, a bit surprised. Sam had just been at his ear to tell him he hadn’t brought up their father in over a week… but Castiel hadn’t brought it up either. Nothing. They hadn’t talked about what John had said not once since that night. 

Dean took the coffee and sipped it, humming as it was just right. “Thanks, angel,” he said softly as he looked down. “I thought you were–”

“Out here to pester you? Like Sam? No. I’m not going to do that,” he said, his smile still warm and gentle. 

Dean looked at the man as if the action confused him. Didn’t Castiel care how he was doing? Not that he wanted Cas to ask. He just…well he didn’t really know. “If you don’t mind… can I ask why?” he asked, his whole demeanor unsure. 

Castiel chuckled at that. “Baby, if you need to talk, I’m here. And I think you know that. But I know you.”

Dean’s eyebrows lifted when that was where Cas stopped. “Meaning?”

Castiel sucked in a breath. “ _ Meaning _ that lunging at your emotions, trying to implore an emotional response from you when you’re not ready to have it? It’s not going to do any good. So just hydrate. And know I care about what’s on your mind. And I’ll be happy to listen when you’re ready to talk.”

Dean was silent for a few moments before he suddenly brought Castiel’s body to his. He held his boyfriend tightly, not daring to let go. Because at the end of it, he’d almost lost Cas right along with his father. He didn’t know if he’d told him yet how thankful he was that that hadn’t happened. 

“I… I love you,” he whispered for the first time. He didn’t know if this was the right time to say it. But after nearly dying… and realizing he’d never told the man to his face… he was beginning to see that there was no right time. As long as Castiel knew. 

Castiel smiled when Dean wrapped around him. It was a slightly sad smile, knowing that Dean was still going through so much and he couldn’t help until he allowed him to. But this would do. But when he told him he loved him, he held him tighter. 

“I love you too, Dean. I love you more than I thought possible,” he whispered back. 

As they stood there, embracing each other, Castiel felt his mind and soul ease slightly. All he wanted was for Dean to be alright, truly. But he knew that the loss of his father was going to haunt Dean for some time. He just needed to take it slow. 

 

The van Dean was driving gave an awful whining sound and he just wanted it to end, really. When he’d told Sam to ask Bobby if they could use one of his cars… so many junkers went through his mind. So many more acceptable ones than the hunk of junk he was driving. 

Of course, it wasn’t just the fact that he was driving a mini van that had him up in arms. It was the fact that the two sitting in the back had had to tag along. It wasn’t that he minded bringing Cas along. He preferred having Cas near him. But when that meant his brother was there too… well he and Gabriel weren’t on the best of terms yet. 

As they parked the car, Dean gave an unhappy look. He took the keys out of the ignition and threw them down. “This is humiliating,” he muttered. 

“It’s not that bad,” Castiel offered as he reached forward and squeezed his shoulder. “At least it was driveable.” Unlike most of the cars, this one actually could get them from point A to point B. All the others, Bobby was sure that they would die before they made it. 

“I feel like a friggin’ soccer mom,” he replied under his breath as he got out. He stood there for a moment when he felt Cas’ door open behind him and he turned, looking at his boyfriend. “Angel…” he began. “Why don’t you and Gabriel stay in the car?”

Castiel frowned. “What? No, no way. Why would I stay in the car?” he asked. He had as much right to go in as the other two did. Especially with them and their constant inclusion, telling Cas he was part of the family. He deserved to know what was going on. 

Dean took a breath and pulled Castiel away for a second. “It’s not…  _ you _ , angel,” he sighed. “It’s your brother. He doesn’t know how to do what we do. Not yet. I don’t think it’s anything serious but we also don’t know who this Ellen is.”

Castiel clenched his jaw a little, his hands in his back pockets as he heaved his own sigh. He knew Dean was right as much as he didn’t want to admit it. They didn’t know what was on the other side of the door. It could have been a trap for all they knew. They needed to be careful. So barging in with someone that didn’t yet know how to do what they did… it wasn’t bright. 

“Gabe,” he muttered. “Why don’t you and I check the perimeter a little ways out?” he said. “It’s not much but we don’t want to miss anything.”

Dean gave Cas a slight smile as if thanking him for doing that. But when his eyes caught Gabriel’s, the smile dropped as the brother of the man he loved gave him a dirty look. It was as if he  _ knew _ Dean was benching him. 

“Your boyfriend does know that I’ve had years of martial arts training, right?” Gabriel asked Castiel in a muttered voice as he led him around the building. 

Castiel gave a soft chuckle. “That doesn’t matter to Dean or Sam. You can be the strongest, fastest, most cunning man alive. If you don’t know how to handle this life…” he trailed off. “They just want you to be safe.”

Gabriel scoffed at the way Cas spoke about Dean. “Sam, maybe. Sam has actually put an effort forth to get to know me. Your boyfriend just doesn’t like me.”

“Well I think neither of them wanted to bring you,” he said softly. “After you got captured, you were tortured, Gabe. By demons. And they don’t want you to have to suffer again. To do something that brings you back to that and that’s what hunting is. Do you understand?” he asked. “It’s just that Dean doesn’t have a soft way about it. He’s… rough around the edges with most. I don’t know why he’s different with me,” he whispered. 

“Because you go to bed with him,” Gabriel offered in return. 

Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled his brother along with him.

Sam shared a look with his brother, as if telling the other hunter that sending the two away was unnecessary but when Dean gave him a look back, he let it go. He dropped it so that he didn’t start a fight with his brother. 

The looked around, Dean peeking into the window but not seeing much of anything as Sam looked for any sign of a car or another person. 

“Hey, did you bring the, uh–”

“‘Course,” Sam said as he tossed something to his brother. 

Dean caught the lockpick with ease and started in on the door. It wasn’t long before he was letting them into the establishment. They stood there for a moment, looking around. It was a bit of a dive bar. It was somewhat dingy but… clear that it was home for someone. Or that it felt like home to some people. 

An insect buzzed and hit the lamp in the corner, zapping it and killing it. The brother’s shared a look as Dean handed back the lockpick set and they walked forward. 

Sam pointed to a pool table where a man seemed to be passed out there like nothing. Like it was something he did every night. But judging by the way he was laying comfortable, the sound of two men in his sleeping place, they were both guessing that it was something he did nightly. 

“Hey, buddy?” Sam tried. He figured waking him meant at least somewhat of an answer about who this Ellen was. But the man didn’t move. “I’m guessing that isn’t Ellen.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed absentmindedly. 

He turned and watched Sam go through a door as he continued to just look around. There wasn’t much to the bar so there wasn’t a whole lot to explore. He thought, briefly, about following his brother… when suddenly he felt something pressed to the small of his back. 

Dean swallowed. “Oh god, please let that be a rifle,” he muttered. 

The rifle cocked and Dean knew right then and there what was going on. “No, I’m just really happy to see you,” came a female response. “Don’t move.”

Dean put his hands up slightly. “Not moving– copy that,” he answered. “You know, you should know something, miss. When you put a rifle on someone, you don't want to put it right against their back. Because it makes it real easy to do–” Dean spun around, their proximity making it easy for him to grab the gun from the girl. He quickly cocked the rifle, making a shell fall. “That,” he said. 

In the next instance he was being punched in the face, the gun being grabbed back from him as he winced in pain. Usually he could take a punch but being punched directly in the nose… boy did it hurt. He yelled for Sam, yelling for backup– no matter how pathetic– when he heard a voice. 

“Hit him again,” said a voice from behind the blonde girl, a gun cocking of it’s own design. “And I won’t hesitate to shoot,” Castiel growled. 

The blonde put her hands up. “Mom!” she called as if frustrated that someone got the better of her as she hadn’t been counting on a third person.

Sam came through the door first, his hands on his head as a woman followed with a gun pointed at the back of Sam’s head. “Sorry, Dean. Got a little tied up,” he muttered.

“You take your gun off my girl,” the woman ordered to Castiel. 

“As long as you take yours off Sam,” he ordered back. 

Ellen paused. “Wait… Sam? Dean? Winchester?” she asked quizzically

“Yeah…” they answered in unison, a little wary at this point. 

“Son of a bitch,” she muttered. 

“Mom, you know these guys?” The blonde asked.  

“Yeah I think these are John Winchester’s boys,” she said, earning a look from the three of them as if wondering how the woman knew that. Suddenly she laughed, dropping her gun. “Hey, I’m Ellen. This is my daughter Jo.”

Castiel dropped the gun, aiming it toward the ground as Jo chucked her chin a little. “Hey,” she muttered. 

Dean gave somewhat of a fake smile as he looked to the girl. “You’re not going to hit me again are you?” he half joked. 

 

“I remember specifically telling you two to wait outside,” Dean muttered to Cas as they sat at tables; his voice quiet because the conversation was solely for them. Gabriel had come in from outside, Castiel not letting his brother in for the simple reason that he still didn’t know how to defend himself. 

He didn’t know what had made him go inside, he just felt like something was off. Like the bar wasn’t vacant even though all the signs pointed to it being so. So he’d gone in. Like any good boyfriend would have, as far as he was concerned. 

Castiel lifted an eyebrow. “And last I checked you were my boyfriend, not my commander. I know you’re on edge after everything… but I’m not going to let you go in anywhere without me. Never,” he said. “Because I always have your back,” he nodded. 

Dean sighed. He wanted to remind the other that he’d almost lost Castiel on their last hunt. The demon almost took Castiel from them with one swift movement and now the other just wanted to jump right back in. He had hoped that Castiel would be a bit skeptical and stay home for this one. He’d hoped that he would be just a little scared and he could go back to sitting in the motel room for a little while so they both had time to get over it, to get back on sturdy ground. But it wasn’t the case. He wondered if it made him angry… or just love Castiel more for his resilience.

Just then Ellen handed him ice wrapped in a cloth. “There you go,” she muttered. 

“Thanks,” he replied as he looked down at it. “You called our dad, said you could help. Help with what?”

Ellen gave him a look as if he should know. “Well, the demon, of course. I heard he was closing in on it.” 

Dean and Sam shared a look. There was a bit of hurt and betrayal because here was a woman, they’d never heard about before, and she knew their father. Not only that but she knew what killed their mother. How did she know their family story? Why did she know? “What, was there an article in the Demon Hunters Quarterly that I missed? I mean, who, who are you? How do you know about all this?” he demanded. 

“Hey, I just run a saloon,” she defended. “But... hunters have been known to pass through now and again. Including your dad a long time ago. John was like family once.”

Dean never much liked it when people who weren’t family claimed to be. “Oh yeah? How come he never mentioned you before?” he asked, icing his nose the whole time. 

Ellen seemed to look uncomfortable with that question. “You'd have to ask him that.” 

“So why exactly do we need your help?

“Hey, don't do me any favors,” she quipped immediately. “Look, if you don't want my help, fine. Don't let the door smack your ass on the way out. But John wouldn't have sent you if–” Ellen cut herself off as if she was realizing something for the first time as she looked at them. “He didn't send you.”

Dean looked down, not able to make eye contact with the woman. He looked over at Sam and Cas as if wondering if this was a conversation they really needed to have with a woman they didn’t even know because he knew where this was headed. 

“He's all right, isn't he?” Ellen asked as she looked between the two of them, her face riddled with concern. 

“No. No, he isn't,” Sam whispered. “It was the demon, we think. It, um, it just got him before he got it, I guess.”

Dean clenched his jaw before he put the ice to his face again. He couldn’t believe they were having this conversation with a complete stranger. They didn’t know this lady or her daughter. And they knew nothing about them. They certainly didn’t know anything about their father so why the hell were they doing this? Why were they feeding into this?

“I'm so sorry,” Ellen said, the words only serving to make Dean more angry. 

“It's okay. We're all right,” Dean insisted. 

“Really? I know how close you and your dad were–”

“Really, lady, I'm fine,” He cut her off, insisting. Because she had no right to come to him with that. She had no right to just talk about his father like that. Not when he could still see the doctors working, and failing, to save him when he closed his eyes. Not when he could still smell the stink of his father’s body burning as they made sure no creatures could get at his remains. Not when he could still feel the heat of the flames against his body. And certainly not when he could still hear his father's words: tasking him with what they had just moments before he died. She didn’t get to just talk about him. Not to him. 

“So look, if you can help,” Sam started, feeling small when Dean gave him that soul piercing look. But he continued. “We could use all the help we can get.” 

Ellen nodded, looking to Jo for a second. “Well, we can't. But Ash will.”

Castiel made a face. “Who's Ash?”

“Ash!” She yelled. 

There was a noise behind them of pool balls clacking together as the man that had been sleeping there popped up suddenly, making all of their heads whip around to see him stumble and flail to get up. “What?” he yelled in the opposite direction before he turned around, seeing them. 

“It closin' time?” He muttered, his tone groggy. 

“That's Ash?” Castiel asked. 

Jo nodded. “Mm-hmm. He's a genius.”

 

Castiel and Gabriel sat at one end of the bar, Castiel keeping his brother at bay as Sam smacked a large, brown, folder down on top of the counter at the other end. Jo was behind the counter, filling water glasses, while Dean stood for a moment.  

Dean had been just standing there, watching this guy. He hadn’t done much in the air of genius. He wasn’t one to judge but if he went by the mullet, plaid shirt, and the fact that he had been sleeping on a pool table just a few minutes ago… it didn’t give him much hope. 

“You've gotta be kidding me, this guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie,” Dean said. 

Ash smirked as he looked over at Dean. “I like you.”

“Thanks.”

“Just give him a chance,” Jo nodded as she put some glasses on the table in case they wanted water. 

Dean looked for a moment like he was unsure of what to do. He was unsure of whether or not to trust any of them but as he looked down the bar to see Castiel giving him a reassuring nod, he sighed as he sat, opening the folder. 

“All right. This stuff's about a year's worth of our dad's work, so uh, let's see what you make of it,” he said as he slid the folder closer. 

Dean took note at the look Ash gave him as if to say the man could do it in his sleep. But as soon as he pulled out the papers and started rifle through them, he shook his head at the way the papers were strewn but also the way thoughts seemed to follow. It was like the madman writings of a somewhat sane person. 

“Come on. This crap ain't real. There ain't nobody can track a demon like this,” Ash said. 

The brothers shared a look before Sam spoke. “Our dad could.”

There was a pause in the room as the three of them looked at each other before Ash looked back down at the papers. He read them for a beat, speaking again. “There are non-parametrics, statistical overviews, prospects and correlations,” he began, effectively shaking the boy's doubt as to whether or not he might not know what he was talking about. ”I mean.. damn! They're signs. Omens. Uh, if you can track 'em, you can track this demon. You know, like crop failures, electrical storms... You ever been struck by lightning? It ain't fun.”

“Can you track it or not?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, with this, I think so. But it's gonna take time, uh, give me…” he trailed off as if he was doing the math. “Fifty one hours.”

Dean wasn’t about to argue as the other man got up to leave. “Hey, man?”

“Yeah?”

“I, uh, I dig the haircut,” He said. He didn’t know if it was meant to offend the other or if it was meant seriously. He couldn’t tell yet.

Ash made a face as he gestured. “All business up front, party in the back,” he confirmed before walking away.

As Ash left, Dean watched down the bar as Gabriel seemed to get up, heading toward the bathroom. That, in turn, made Castiel get up and wander around the bar. He moved to a table where something caught his eye and he looked down at it. 

Dean had a thought as he looked at his boyfriend’s figure, Jo passing by but he paid no mind to that. Ash said he would need more than two days to figure out his Dad’s stuff and to try and track the demon the best he could. Over two day's worth where they would have to sit and do absolutely nothing. He was sure there was a motel around somewhere and with the way his day had been going… he could use a whole twenty-four hours worth of steadily blowing off steam, especially when he and Cas hadn’t given it a go in weeks. 

He gave no word to Sam as he got up. One might have thought he was going for Jo… if they didn’t know Dean by now. He sidled up to his boyfriend. He got low enough to whisper into his ear, smiling when he effectively rattled the other. “You know… I’ve got fifty-one hours to kill according to Ash,” he said. 

Castiel had jumped slightly when he felt his boyfriend’s lips at his ear, something he wasn’t expecting. Dean’s words were close, intimate, and very flirtatious. “Yeah?” he whispered as he turned around to look him in the eye, wondering what Dean was angling for. Of course he knew. But he wasn’t stupid. His boyfriend was still hurting and he was wondering if sex, and most likely booze, were the best remedy for a hurting heart right now. 

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking down into blue eyes. “Maybe tonight you and I should…” he trailed off. He saw the way Castiel looked at him, those loving eyes and soft features. Cas was there to make him feel better and he knew… that just a quick fuck for the sake of it wouldn’t make him feel better. His heart wasn’t in it. “No, you know what… nevermind, angel,” he said as he shook his head. 

“What, baby?” Castiel asked softly. 

Dean shook his head again and he reached down, discreetly pressing a thumb to his hipbone. He rubbed small circles. “Nothing, just… wrong place, wrong time.”

Castiel looked up into green eyes and he smiled. He was about to lean up, kiss him and tell him he loved him when the clearing of a throat interrupted them. 

They pulled apart slightly to see Jo standing there, Dean immediately lifting an eyebrow at her as if wondering why she had the nerve to break up the first real moment he was having with his boyfriend in quite some time. 

“Sorry. I just… had to wonder…” she started. “My mom mentioned a Sam and a Dean… but I can’t help notice you’ve got two more here,” she said as she gestured. “Did John have two more sons my mom didn’t know about?” she asked. 

“I’m the boyfriend,” Castiel offered. “Dean’s.”

Jo’s eyebrows went high and she smiled. “Really?” she asked. “Sorry for the surprise,” she chuckled, looking to Dean. “You just seem…” she paused, wondering how to word it. “You don’t seem the type,” she offered, but the way she worded it let the other two know that realizing they were together was somewhat of a pleasant thing. 

Castiel shifted a bit awkwardly. “Thank you?” he said, not knowing particularly how to handle the moment. 

Dean noticed his other halfs discomfort and this time it was he who cleared his throat. “How did your mom get into this stuff, anyway?” he asked, turning the conversation in a different direction.

“From my dad. He was a hunter,” she said, her smile gone. “He passed away.” 

Dean paused at that, his face softening. “I'm sorry.”

“It was a long time ago. I was just a kid. Sorry to hear about your dad,” she said. 

Dean didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to stop hearing about it all. He wanted to stop being reminded of the loss he had to deal with. Something that everyone seemed to want him to cry about. But he just– 

“Guys, come here, check this out,” Sam called over, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” Castiel muttered, taking Dean’s hand and pulling him along.  

“A few murders, not far from here, that Ellen caught wind of. Looks to me like there might be a hunt,” Sam said just as Gabriel joined them from the bathroom, peering over. 

“Yeah. So?” Dean asked, not knowing what Sam was getting at. 

“So, I told her we'd check it out.”

 

Dean kept his eyes on the road as he drove, trying to see through the droplets of rain as they formed on his windshield. The whole time, Sam talked. He told him about the case that Ellen had handed over to them and… the more Sam read, the more skeptical Dean got. 

“You've gotta be kidding me. A killer clown?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Sam said. It was dark out so with the lack of natural light, he kept a flashlight trained to the file in his hands. “He left the daughter unharmed and killed the parents. Ripped them to pieces, actually.”

Dean looked over briefly. “And this family was at some carnival that night?” 

“Right, right. The, uh, Cooper Carnivals,” Sam muttered in return. 

“So how do you know we're not dealing with some psycho carnie in a clown suit?”

“Well, the cops have no viable leads, and all the employees were tearing down shop. Alibis all around. Plus this girl said she saw a clown vanish into thin air. Cops are saying trauma, of course.” 

“Well, I know what you're thinking, Sam,” he said, a small smirk playing on his face. “Why did it have to be clowns?”

Sam rolled his eyes a little. “Oh, give me a break.” He knew his brother would do this at some point. He knew that he would take his old fear and warp it, use it as something he could make fun of him for. But at least Dean was talking so he wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

Dean laughed obnoxiously. “You didn't think I'd remember, did you? I mean, come on, you still bust out crying whenever you see Ronald McDonald on the television.”

“Well, at least I'm not afraid of flying,” he threw back, Dean’s smile vanishing in a moment.

“Planes crash,” Dean defended. 

“And apparently clowns kill!”

Dean made a face but he said nothing because, at this point, it wasn’t like his brother was particularly  _ wrong _ . “So these types of murders, they ever happen before?”

“Uh, according to the file, 1981, the Bunker Brothers Circus, same M.O. It happened three times, three different locales.”

As they kept talking, Dean seemed to be more and more confused as to why they were in the car. Why were they even going on this hunt when news could break with Ash early? After everything they’d been through, he could have been holed up with Cas as they spoke just… fucking healing. But instead they were going on a hunt. 

He was still a professional, though. He wouldn’t kick and scream at his brother for signing him up for a job. If Sam wanted to work, they would work. He would sit in the car and bounce ideas back and forth between the two of them. He would do that. He just wouldn’t do it with a smile. 

“Well, this case was your idea,” he said after a while. “By the way, why is that? You were awfully quick to jump on this job,” Dean pointed out. 

Sam looked up at his brother. “So?” he asked, like it wasn’t a big deal. Because, well, it wasn’t. He’d taken the hunt because he thought it was the right thing to do. Because he thought it was what his father might have wanted from them. 

“It's just... not like you, that's all. I thought you were hell-bent for leather on the demon hunt… keeping Gabriel safe and all that. Some kind of vow you’ve been keeping since we found him.”

Sam’s eyes cast toward the back where the Novak boys simply weren’t. They’d left them at a motel back in Nebraska right around the Roadhouse. It hadn’t been an easy decision for any of them, really. 

Dean didn’t want to leave Cas anywhere. He didn’t want to leave the man he loved after what had just happened. After what had recently cut through their tiny family so harshly. Not to mention they were leaving them with only Cas really knowing how to defend himself. It wasn’t ideal. But they also couldn’t risk Gabriel coming on a hunt before he was ready or risk leaving him alone. So Castiel had stayed behind. 

Dean caught the look toward the back and he couldn’t help but look in the rearview. He was used to looking in said mirror and seeing his boyfriend curled up in the back of the Impala. Maybe reading or simply singing along. Laughing with them. With everything that had happened, leaving Castiel miles away wasn’t what he wanted. But ht knew he didn’t have much of a say. Even if it did already feel like a hole was there without him. Damn he was gone on the man…

“He’ll be fine with Cas..I don't know,” Sam said, breaking Dean out of his thoughts. “I just think, this job, it's what Dad would have wanted us to do.”

Dean lifted an eyebrow and looked over at his brother. He didn’t think he’d ever heard his brother concerned about what his father wanted. Not when they were kids and certainly not as early back as last week. The kid had never done something like that. “What Dad would have wanted?” he asked back.

“Yeah. So?” Sam asked as if he was ready to defend himself. 

“Nothin',” Dean lied.

 

Castiel kept his eyes trained on the road as he drove. It wasn’t something he got to do  _ often _ but he was the only one that knew how to get them where they were going. Months with Dean and Sam had left him able to navigate just about anywhere… including right to the hunt they were on. And since he stole the car, he figured he should be the one to get to drive it. 

Castiel sighed at the thought of how mad they were going to be. But they couldn’t stay there. He had this feeling, this gut feeling, like they weren’t safe. It was a motel room with one way in and one way out and they were supposed to sit there like ducks waiting to be shot? No. No way. Besides, Dean and Sam hadn’t been on a hunt without him in months and he wasn’t about to let them get hurt now. 

Gabriel had been the fight, of course. Because Gabriel wanted to listen to what Sam had said. He wanted to stay so Sam knew where he was when they got back. It hadn’t just been a struggle to get him out the door. It had been an actual argument. He didn’t know what was happening between the two… or if Sam had just been there for Gabriel more recently over the last two weeks… but Gabriel seemed more inclined to listen to Sam. 

It had hurt at first. But then he realized that Sam had been doing this stuff longer. And Gabriel didn’t know what he was capable of. So of course… he was going to side with the person he believed to be more experienced. And Sam was… but Cas wasn’t without his qualifications. 

“Are we ever going to talk?” Gabriel asked the other. 

Castiel glanced over before he looked back at the road. “Oh, so we’re talking now?” he asked, a little bit of sass in his voice. “I wasn’t aware. You know when you finally got in the car you sorta looked out the window and made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Gabriel’s face quirked as his brother got snippy with him. Of course he had argued with him. They had all agreed that they would stay at the motel and then as soon as the other two were leaving, Castiel was stealing a car and telling him to get in. “Drop the attitude, little brother,” Gabriel huffed, crossing his arms. 

“I feel like I have a right to have an attitude, Gabriel. You fought me back there. Me. The one that you should trust the most in this picture–”

“Oh you must be joking,” Gabriel scoffed as his eyes squinted at his brother. He loved Castiel more than he knew what to do with. He was his little brother, someone he’d always vowed to protect and make sure had all the safety he could. But his brother was not innocent. He was not always trustworthy. And he was not always honest. 

Castiel’s head snapped up and looked over at him quickly, anger and hurt in his eyes before they looked back to the road. “And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means, Castiel,” he growled. “You get off your high horse with me because I’m not going to have it. You walk around like some perfect, doting, brother to Sam and I, and a perfect boyfriend to Dean but you’re not all holy. You want me to trust you? Start by being honest.”

Castiel frowned. “What are you even talking about, Gabriel? I’m honest–”

Gabriel lifted an eyebrow. “Yeah? So then you tell Dean everything, right? Sam too?”

“Of course I have. I’m not hiding anything.”

“No? So that means if I casually bring up in conversation the secret of our family, they’re going to be down to talk about that? They’re going to know all about it?” 

At that, Castiel clenched the wheel. Perhaps there was more than one reason the boy with the angel name left home. And it may or may not have been something he wanted to leave behind. “They know some. Most,” he said through clenched teeth. His words had finality in it. Like that was all he wanted to say on the matter.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought,” he muttered. 

“Shut up, Gabriel.” He didn’t know why his brother was doing this, coming after him in this way. But he had a feeling Gabriel wasn’t done.

“Or how about the day at the hospital? You had me  _ lie _ . You had them believing I dragged you out of that hospital and we both know  _ damn _ well it was the other way around. I got into that fight with Sam for a show. Because you told me to–”

“I said  _ shut up _ , Gabriel,” Castiel growled, his knuckles turning white as he clenched the steering wheel harder. He knew he had secrets from two boys that meant the world to him. He knew he had secrets from one that meant more to him than anything. But… he just couldn’t. He couldn’t. 

“So you, Castiel, being the honest boyfriend that you are– have you told Dean where  _ exactly _ we went?” he asked, getting louder. “Have you told him what you did–”

Gabriel was cut off as the car Castiel had stolen came to a shrieking halt in the middle of the road. “If you don’t like it then leave, Gabriel! I love you but I didn’t ask you to come get me. I  _ left _ . For a reason. So if you’re here to remind me of all the things I’m doing wrong, please, feel free to find another brother to love so  _ unconditionally _ ,” he rasped, clearly frustrated. 

Gabriel breathed in as he looked at his brother. He watched him for a long time, looking at the pain and sadness that passed in his eyes and finally… he relented. His shoulders dropped. He didn’t know why he was fighting Castiel. He didn’t know why he was being so… inconsiderate to his brother. He supposed… he had a lot of anger about copious things… and his brother was simply  _ there _ to take it out on. 

“Cassie, I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I didn’t mean to start a fight with you. I wanted to simply talk. I don’t even remember what point I was going for in all that.”

Castiel shook his head as he looked up at the road. He was quiet for a long time, lost in thought. “I know I’m not perfect, Gabriel. I know I have secrets from them that are going to get me in trouble… probably sooner rather than later. But with their Dad… I can’t tell them what I did. I can’t tell them what happened. Dean and I… we won’t make it. I don’t know that we’ll survive,” he whispered as he looked down. 

“He loves you, Cassie. He loves you for you–”

“But what am I, Gabriel?” he asked as he looked to his brother. 

Gabriel swallowed and looked down at his fingers. “It could have been lying. You know that.”

“It didn’t have a reason to,” Castiel whispered closing his eyes as a tear fell. “My boyfriend hunts and kills anything that can be labeled ‘weird’. What’s he going to do when he finds out that I’ve got that stamp?” he breathed. 

Gabriel didn’t say anything. Mostly because he didn’t know what to. He didn’t know Dean that well. He didn’t know if Dean would still love him after finding out the secret Castiel was holding inside. He knew the tension at Bobby’s had been palpable. Dean’s grief ridden heart caused him to draw inwardly so that he didn’t even notice Castiel drawing away because of something. And he didn’t know how to help. 

In time, after a few minutes of sitting there in silence, Castiel slowly eased the car back into a comfortable speed. 

 

Dean and Sam talked, walking down the road, bags in hand after dumping the van and making sure they’d left nothing in it. The night before, their hunt hadn’t gone as hoped. So now they were reassessing. Unfortunately, that meant dumping the god awful van Bobby had lent them. Of course Dean was putting that one in the win column.

Dean looked over at Sam as they talked about what it was they were hunting. “Who are you calling?” he inquired. 

“Maybe Ellen or that guy Ash'll know something. Hey, you think, uh, you think Dad and Ellen ever had a thing?” Sam asked with an amused smile.

Dean made a face like he didn’t want to think about it just as they moved off to the side and a car passed them. “No way.”

Sam tried not to roll his eyes at the way Dean still thought of their father, as if they didn’t know their father didn’t take a vow of celibacy after Mary’s death. He wasn’t an innocent. “Then why didn't he tell us about her?”

“I don't know,” the hunter answered with a noncommittal shrug. “Maybe they had some sort of falling out.”

“Yeah. You ever notice Dad had a falling out with just about everybody?” he asked. There was lightness to his voice but when he looked over, he noticed Dean wasn’t having the same sort of tone. “Well, don't get all maudlin on me, man.” 

Dean frowned, looking up at his brother. “What do you mean?”

“I mean this ‘strong silent’ thing of yours, it's crap,” Sam said, having had enough. Every time he brought up their father, Dean couldn’t even talk about him. He just blew him off mostly. Not to mention he hadn’t talked about  _ anything _ to anyone. He’d all but bit Ellen’s head off in the bar for just saying something about John.

“Oh, god,” Dean muttered.

“I'm over it. This isn't just anyone we're talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man.”

“You know what, back off, all right?” Dean asked. “Just because I'm not caring and sharing like you want me to–”

Sam shook his head. “No, no, no, that's not what this is about, Dean. I don't care how you deal with this. But you have to deal with it, man.”

Dean shook his head, a disbelieving laugh on his lips. He didn’t need Sam to do this. He didn’t want Sam to do this. He didn’t want to be on this road. He didn’t want to be on this hunt. All he wanted was to be curled up in some sleazy motel with his arms around Cas. But Sam was off chasing phantoms and what he thought their Dad might want now that he was gone and he had the nerve to bring it all on him?

“Listen, I'm your brother, all right? I just want to make sure you're okay.”

“Dude, I'm okay. I'm okay, okay?” he asked, getting angrier. He was sick of everyone trying to pull some reaction out of him about his father. “I swear, the next person who asks me if I'm okay, I'm gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues, quit dumping them on me!” he yelled as they stopped.

“What are you talking about?” Sam asked as he turned to face his brother. 

“I just think it's really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It's like, oh, what would Dad want me to do? Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him. And now that he's dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry Sam, but you can't, it's too little, too late.” 

“Why are you saying this to me?” Sam asked, clearly hurt by his brothers words.

“Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this. I'm dealing with Dad's death! Are you?”

Sam swallowed. “I'm going to call Ellen,” he whispered before turning away. 

As soon as he did, Dean knew he’d messed up but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize. Not when he’d been telling the truth. He couldn’t help but think that this would have been different, there wouldn’t have been a fight… not if Cas was there to ground him...

They walked further down the road, a little slowly as Sam talked to Ellen. Before long he was hanging up and they were once again stowing their crap to talk to one another. “Thanks a lot,” he said to Ellen before he hung up and looked to Dean. “Rakshasa,” he said.  

“What's that?”

“Ellen's best guess. It's a race of ancient Hindu creatures. They appear in human form, they feed on human flesh, they can make themselves invisible, and they cannot enter a home without first being invited.”

“So they dress up like clowns, and the children invite 'em in,” he worked out, trying to figure how this worked into what they had on their hands. 

They talked about everything they had, going down what was a very short list of suspects with everything they had. But as they reached the end of the road, they were figuring out a way to kill it and even smiling at each other. 

Dean looked up as they got to a crossroads, seeing the same car that had passed them. From afar it looked like whoever it may have been was having car trouble. Even closer and it could be seen that it was two. Two guys standing there talking about something to do with the car. 

Sam hit him and pointed as if asking him if they should help them on the way by. 

Dean looked up and shook his head. No. They had a hunt to finish and they didn’t know these guys. Of course, that was what he thought until one of them bent over and stuck his head in the trunk.

He’d been in the middle of a smirk, hitting Sam back to ‘check out the ass on that one’ but then all at once he realized that he knew that ass. That was  _ his _ ass. “I’d know that ass anywhere– Cas!” he muttered quickly before he called over. 

“Dean!” Sam called, thinking his brother was crazy as he went charging. 

But as Castiel removed himself from the trunk with sunglasses on, two waters in his hand, and a smile on his face, he was more focused on the fact that his brother could spot his boyfriend just by his backside. Was that endearing or a true testament to how  _ biblically _ Dean knew Castiel’s body? Perhaps both. He decided not to think about it. 

“Hey, baby,” he smiled, offering them water bottles.  

“Don’t you ‘hey, baby’ me,” Dean said as he got closer. “The  _ hell _ are you guys doing here? We told you to stay in Nebraska.”

Castiel nodded. “You did. But I do remember telling you that A, you don’t tell me what to do, handsome, I do what I want. And B, I had a bad feeling about us splitting up. So I peeked at where you two were going and look at that, we found you two walking a main road. Dangerous, really,” he grinned. “All kinds of people drive by. People with guns… car thieves,” he said, gesturing between them 

Sam couldn’t help but chuckle as the couple began to go back and forth with each other. He looked to Gabriel. “He drag you out here?” he asked the other. 

Gabriel looked over and lifted an eyebrow. “It that obvious?”

“Well we’ve come to learn that Cas is very... strong-willed,” he smiled. 

“That’s a nice way to say stubborn, Sam,” he said. He sighed softly. “But he was right. Your brother doesn’t much like me… but I feel safer when the four of us are together. Probably because if it’s just the two of us, Cas and I are going to kill each other. Brotherly love, you know?”

Sam scoffed, thinking back to earlier when he and Dean had gotten into that fight. “Man, I  _ definitely _ know,” he murmured. 

He looked over to see Dean’s arms wrapped around Cas like home had been brought back to him. Like he was the only thing that mattered. He smiled softly at the sight. Sure, Dean wasn’t ready to open up. But at least they could be there for one another.

“You two still shouldn’t have come. What if we’d been on the way back to you?” Dean said, though there was no malice, no anger. In fact, after everything with Sam… he was glad to have his angel in his arms. He wasn’t happy that they stole a car and risked getting in trouble without their help… but Castiel was a product of everything he and Sam knew. He just had to trust it was enough. 

“Oh please. I tracked your phone's,” he grinned. “How many times I gotta tell you I’m your partner?” he asked. “That’s in life and on the job,” he whispered as he kissed his cheek. 

 

The hunt finished up quick after that. Gabriel stayed in the car while the other three handled it and then they were on their way out of town. They traded the car out somewhere in Iowa but because it was Castiel that got the car, Dean and he bickered the whole way back to the Roadhouse about Castiel’s driving– which was fine, by the way– while Sam and Gabriel sat in the back rolling their eyes at the couple. 

Now, of course, they were at the Roadhouse, regrouping. Dean and Sam were sitting at the bar while Castiel played with the jukebox, Gabriel showing Jo his favorite drink combinations. 

“You boys did a hell of a job,” Ellen said as she set beers down for them. “You Dad’d be proud.”

“Thanks,” Sam said, just as Castiel sat down on the other side of Dean. He looked at the other with a smile, just waiting for the other to get the hint. Though it wasn’t until Dean gave him a sideways glance that Sam cleared his throat. 

“Oh yeah, um, I've gotta... uh, uh, I've gotta go. Over there. Right now,” Sam said before he took off. 

Castiel smiled. “Your brother. Ever the smoothest,” he said before he pressed a little closer. “Dean–”

“Cas…” he began. He didn’t know what his boyfriend wanted to talk about. He didn’t know why he wanted to do it with Sam gone. But he knew that there was one thing he needed the other to absolutely  _ not _ do. “You know I love you but I swear to god if you ask me if I’m okay–”

“Hey,” he said softly. “Maybe wanna let me finish before you go jumpin’ down my throat?” he asked. 

Dean sighed and looked into blue eyes. He was about to argue but he relented, nodding to give the other the go ahead. 

“Thank you. What I was  _ going _ to say... is that you’ve been quiet,” he said softly as he moved and ran his fingers through his hair. “And I was wondering if you wanted to take a night, maybe even two… and get a nice motel room…” he dropped his voice, telling Dean exactly what he was talking about without having to say it at all. 

Dean breathed. “God you’re perfect,” he said as he wrapped his arm around him and pulled him closer to his side. Castiel always knew what he wanted. Always knew what he needed even if it wasn’t the best for him or the healthiest for him. 

Castiel chuckled, his heart aching in his chest at that. “I wouldn’t go that far,” he whispered, thinking back to the conversation he’d had with his brother. 

Dean paused as he rested his head on his shoulder. There were other hunters there but he couldn’t give a damn. Not when Castiel was his rock, his everything. One of the only things keeping him together. “You know… normally I’m taking you up on that offer so fast it’d make your head spin.”

Castiel laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Oh trust me, I know,” he said, his voice gentle. 

“But these days…” he continued. 

“Wrong place… wrong time?” he asked the other, using the words Dean had used with him days ago. “It’s okay, baby. Because you know and I know… that I am not going anywhere. I’m yours to bed whenever you and I see fit,” he said, smiling when Dean did. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Dean nodded. “Me too,” he whispered back. 

Just then the door to the back swung open and Ash walked out with that looked like computer equipment in his hands but with all the exposed wires, it was hard to tell. “Where you guys been? Been waitin' for ya.”

Sam scoffed from his place at the pool table. “We were working a job, Ash. Clowns?”

“Clowns? What the–”

“You got something for us, Ash?” Dean asked, cutting to the chase. 

As Ash set the equipment down, the four of them gathered around, anxious to know where his findings would take them and when. 

“Did you find the demon?” Gabriel asked

He shook his head. “It's nowhere around. At least, nowhere I can find. But if this fugly bastard raises his head, I'll know. I mean, I'm on it like divine on dog dookie.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asked. 

“I mean, any of those signs or omens appear, anywhere in the world, my rig'll go off. Like a fire alarm,” he explained 

Castiel chuckled as Dean reached for the laptop and he Ash seemed to square up like he was so ready to fight him if he tried that again. “Ash, where did you learn to do all this?”

“M.I.T. Before I got bounced for... fighting,” he said. 

“M.I.T.?” Sam asked, clearly shocked. 

“It's a school in Boston.”

“Okay. Give us a call as soon as you know something?” Dean asked.

“Si, si, compadre,” he answered. 

Dean nodded and took a last swig of his beer before he set it down and stood. It was a silent cue to the others that it was time they were hitting the road and getting back to Bobby’s. Dean reached for Cas, tucking him under his arm as he headed for the door.

Ellen stepped forward behind the bar. “Hey, listen–  if you boys need a place to stay I've got a couple beds out back.” 

“Thanks, but no. There's something I gotta finish,” he said. 

“Okay.”   
  
  
  


Castiel would consider himself creepy if not for the simple fact that the man he was watching from behind shelving was the man he was currently dating. That being said. What he was doing wasn’t exactly…  _ wholesome _ . 

Dean had asked for something to drink. A simple enough request when he was working out in the hot sun. That being said… he knew it wasn’t just a drink. He knew when he was being sent away. It wasn’t hard to figure out. Not with Dean. Not when he could read that man the way he could. 

So he’d taken his time. And he’d hung back a little to give Dean the space he’d needed. Whether it was because working on the car had been hard for him when he knew it was one of the only things he had left of his Dad or if it was because Dean just needed that quiet for himself for a few minutes. 

He’d been watching Dean work for a few minutes, smiling at how beautiful his boyfriend was when he thought no one else was looking. When he was wholly himself. Even if that version was sad and wrecked inside… his beauty never waned. 

He’d been content standing there until Sam stalked by, moving behind where Dean was fixing one of the tires. By the look on Sam’s face, he knew the younger Winchester was about to do or say  _ something _ that wouldn’t make Dean very happy. 

“Here we go…” he muttered to himself. 

“You were right,” Sam said.

“About what?” Dean asked as he crossed behind him, continuing to work on the car. 

“About me and Dad,” Sam said, making Dean look up and actually take notice. He stopped working to listen to his brother. “I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it's too little. It's too late,” he whispered as his eyes got glassy and his lower lip trembled. He quickly realized that Dean wasn’t going to say anything… so he kept going. “I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all.” He paused, collecting himself so that he didn’t cry, but damn was it hard. “But neither are you. That much I know...I'll let you get back to work,” he muttered, leaving before he could really say anything. 

“Oh, Sam,” Castiel whispered, wondering what would happen next. He wondered if Dean would react. Would he go back to the car? Should he go after Sam and comfort him or stay there with Dean?

He watched as his boyfriend showed no other emotion, moving to pick up a crowbar and he sighed at first. So Dean was going to go right back to work. Like nothing had happened. Yeah. That sounded like the hunter he knew and loved. 

But Castiel got a surprise when Dean suddenly took the crowbar and slammed it into the driverside window, shattering the glass. He gasped, putting his hand over his mouth. He knew what the car meant to Dean. He knew what he was going through to fix it so the fact that he smashed the window was showing him that Dean was anything but alright. 

Dean felt this hollowness in his chest as Castiel stepped closer, not seeing him. He felt like the world was crumbling around him anew. Just like it had when they lost John. Just like it had when they burned his body. Nothing was ever going to go back to the way it was meant to be. He would never see his father again. He was now an orphan and even though he was an adult, it didn’t make it hurt any less than he did. He needed to do something–  _ hurt _ something. 

Before he even knew what he was doing, he brought the crowbar down on the trunk of the Impala and he just started  _ beating _ . He hit it over and over and  _ over _ , trying to beat out his frustrations, his anger, his devastation on an object so that he didn’t have to feel it anymore. He didn’t want to feel it anymore. He just wanted his father back. 

He didn’t care that he was ruining his car once more. He knew he could fix it. But what couldn’t be fixed was the lost that he felt, the hole in his heart from where his father had been ripped out. The only parent he had left. What was he supposed to do now?

Finally he dropped the crowbar, not able to swing it anymore. He panted hard as he leaned against the car for a moment before he felt arms around him, drawing him in. 

“I’ve got you, baby,” was all he heard before he was crying, sobbing into a shoulder that he knew belonged to Cas. 

He held onto Cas so tight that he thought he might break him but the man only responded by hugging him back just as tight. It was something he needed. It was something he had to have as they seemed to crumble and sink down to the ground where they kneeled and Dean… well Dean just kept right on crying. 

“It hurts, Cas…” he whispered. 

“I know it does. I know, baby…” he whispered in return, holding him in his arms. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So what did you all think? Please tell me! Are you dying to know what Gabriel and Cas were talking about? >:)


End file.
